For those that don't know, I was a pretty active musician back in the 90s, even recorded a record, and made a little noise in the local scene. We weren't a major act, by any means, but we met with some moderate success.
Music has always been a passion of mine, and for a long time, it was what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I'm a guitarist, a fair singer, and dabble in other instruments. I've written and recorded songs, played shows, and enjoyed a lot of the good and bad things that come with that.
I don't really think much on the past. I'm just not that kinda person. However, music is my time machine. Songs come on, and if I'm not careful, can sometimes violently yank me back to times about which I'd not thought in a decade or two, causing a torrent of dusty feelings to cough and wheeze. I'm rarely prepared for it, but I have a decent poker face.
I can't tell you exactly when something happened, but I can tell you what albums I was obsessed with at the time. I tie memory to music, not dates. That's not intentional. It's just how I've always been, even as a kid.
The Garbage show was sorta surreal. I took a longtime buddy, someone with whom I've shared my Garbage fandom for the long haul, and someone that I've been very close to for a long time. He was also in the old band. We grabbed a bite at the excellent Blueberry Hill for dinner, where we ran into another old buddy, who was also part of the old band, and the three of us used to be super-tight until shit just got complicated by diverging paths in adulthood.
Still, it was a really cool moment.
Then, we headed to the show ...
... so, the whole reason I got into Garbage, back in the day, was mainly because of a girl. Up to that point, I'd been firmly entrenched in the 'real rock' scene, the stuff where every sound was made by a guitar, bass, drums, or vocalist, and I wasn't having this 'electronic' stuff. I didn't hate it, at all, but it just wasn't something I sought out or allowed myself to enjoy.
Then She started catching my attention. She was hot, she was funny, she was stylish, she was smart, and, most importantly, she could match my intensity.
She'd hang out at my work sometimes, we'd shoot the shit, but she'd also challenge some of my views about music. Looking back, I was ridiculously close-minded, and she'd let me know. On one particular day in 1996, she was harassing me about Garbage, and finally got me to grudgingly admit that 'Stupid Girl' was a pretty catchy tune. After that, she kept insisting that I needed the record, and finally, I told her that I was stuck at work for a while, but if she wanted, I'd give her $20 and she could run down the street and get it for me. She did.
Later that year, we fell in love and started dating. It was a really intense relationship, and brought both great and bad things to each of our lives. In the end, I wasn't equipped to be in a romantic relationship at the time, and she needed to spread her wings and grow. We took turns being really terrible to each other, which ended predictably, and featured some of my most shameful behavior ever.
Since then, we've run into each other, and have become very cordial, at a distance. And that's fine. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of some of the things I said to her at various times.
Looking back, as an adult, I'm now able to look back at the situation and realize that I vilified her for being a young human. She wasn't real honest with me at times, about some pretty big things, and I totally flipped out on her, and repeatedly hurt her back (with words and attempts at manipulation.)
Regardless, the end (I think, unless I'm forgetting some crucial detail, which I've done before) was me dumping her via voicemail the night we were both supposed to go see her favorite band ever, Garbage, for the first time. The time before that hadn't worked out. It was a huge night for her, and I timed it for maximum heartbreak and maximum 'fuck you.' I was ashamed at the time, but I was also totally consumed by the need to prove something. As time went by, it continued to bug me ... until I did other stupid shit in another relationship, and I FINALLY figured out that I needed to check myself and overhaul my approach to love.
I did, and I've been happily married for 11 years now.
So, last night.
She was there. I knew she was going to be there. We don't really talk, but I'm continually hoping to hook up a friend of hers with a friend of mine, because they'd be great for each other, and ... well, whatever. Her friend and I mentioned to each other that we're both going, and mentioned who we're going with. Not a big deal. She and I haven't had any drama or intensity or much communication at all for a long, long time. As in, none at all in this century.
And while I'm not totally dead inside at the sight of her, nor am I falling all over myself with emotion.
It dawned on me last night that I have no idea if she ever saw her favorite band, Garbage, before last night. I don't know what happened after I left her that voicemail and we then had a brief conversation about the voice mail. I was unkind and smug, and yeah ... I never really thought about what happened after that. I think I went and got drunk by myself on the apartment balcony. I have no idea what happened with her.
So, last night, my buddy and I were up on the balcony at the Pageant, and she and her group were down in the pit, directly in our line of sight. We waved to each other briefly. Once the set started, it was ... emotional. I didn't feel any kind of absolution, but much of the music was so evocative of our time together, it became the first time I'd really thought about the relationship we'd had, but with an adult's mind and heart. I judged her way too harshly, and was emotionally brutal to a girl that was just young and didn't know a better way to handle an intense and complicated relationship. We were both young.
To further intensify the situation, many of Shirley Manson's lyrics, both back then, and now, describe a lot our interactions and relationship. I had tears in my eyes a few times, and I'm a guy that, now, keeps myself under intense emotional restraints.
It was an amazing experience, and I actually felt some kind of closure. There were songs that reminded me of us being young, naked, and laughing, and other songs that reminded me of sitting in a car, tears on my face, wondering what she and that guy were doing. I'm sure it was raining or something during the latter memory.
That was my life back then, man. Romance and intensity. I know I keep using that word, but that's really the word when it came to her and me. We were an intense couple.
Obviously, there's a lotta detail that I'm leaving out here, out of respect for both her and me.
And there's a lot more to my connection with Garbage than just her and me, but that was kinda the impetus. Beyond that, Garbage, and a few other bands, are the soundtrack to my life. Their third record is the first record that came out after I fled St. Louis for Chicago, to start over. Their fourth record came out right around the time my wife and I married, and she moved into my tiny one-bedroom apartment. Their fifth record came out when some of us from 'the old days' briefly reconnected for a couple months, before things blew up again. Their sixth record came out, and I think I'll always tie it to last night's experience.
In all, it was a crash between the past and the present, but it was a really sweet, emotional experience. I shared it with the exact right buddy, the band's performance was top-notch, the music was incredible, and I got to sort some things out that probably needed sorting out.
Anyway, friends, my takeaway is that it's OK to revise and soften your feelings about the past. And maybe, like in this case, it takes almost 20 years, but I actually feel a little better about things, and it's not like this was eating away at me every day. I just feel a little more chill. I dunno. Whatever.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
What about you? Have you ever had a really intense concert experience that led you to some grand personal revelation? I've actually had a few now, and I think few things are as close to a 'spiritual experience' as I'll ever have as a great live show.
-Blaine
