Just Another Manic ... Tuesday?

I think I'm just going through a rough patch. I've been letting stupid shit get to me, which I'm too old and too experienced to be doing. Nothing major, nothing dramatic, but I'm getting a full head of steam when I should just roll with stuff. Some of it's work-related, some of it's paranoia, some of it's anxiety, and some of it is just that I feel so busy all the time.

Summers are pretty crazy around our house, and I'd bet that's actually pretty common, especially in cases in which the household features multiple children and two adults that both work (me, full time, her, part time + grad school). Summers are just busy.

That just seems wrong, though. I get the logic of why summers are so busy, but in my mind, summers should be when I slow things down and enjoy myself. If I were to pick one season in which to be busy, I'd pick winter. Winter is typically a pretty miserable season anyway, and it'd be nice to keep myself too occupied to notice. 

I need to avoid statements like that, actually. Saying things like that just locks my mind into a single expected outcome. I need to be open to the possibility that winter can be great.

ANYWAY.

I've had about my fill of aggravation today. One of my personal challenges is that I lose perspective when I reach a certain level of aggravation, and I can't tell if someone is just trying to fuck with me or if they're just going about their business. I need to be a professional, not lose perspective, and just go about my business.

And my temper has been ... bad, lately. I haven't melted down, blown up, or anything like that, but I've had too many situations recently in which I've had to bite my tongue, recuse myself, or just leave the room for a bit. Most of them have been professional. What's tough, too, is that I work with a solid team of super-smart people, and most of the time, they're right on about stuff, which means that I need to be checking myself, and figuring out what's malfunctioning within me.

One x-factor is that I quit smoking about 5-6 weeks ago (maybe a little more), after over a little over 20 years of being a smoker. I'm thrilled with that choice, and I'm not going back, and I can't tell if that's having an impact.

Maybe it'll pass.

And it's not like things are bad right now. I'm letting minutiae dominate my view, but I'm also aware of the positives in life. My job still rocks, and when I'm not getting in my own way, I really enjoy it. My wife is amazing, and that's not just lip service. I really feel lighter and more at ease when we're able to spend time together. My kids are just fantastic and are, in many ways, charting the course for this family. I still love my gaming, when I have time to do it a little on the weekends. TIME. Ack.

I'm glad I'm recording this here, though. It'll be interesting to compare in a year, and see how I feel.

On the plus side, I am going to see Garbage tonight, for the first time. We (buddy and I) were supposed to see them like 20 years ago. They were gonna open for Smashing Pumpkins, and we were gonna leave after their set, so we didn't have to sit through the Pumpkins again (we'd seen them a few times, and they were also 'blah'). Unfortunately, the new keyboardist in the Pumpkins died, the tour got delayed, and Garbage went and did their own thing. Another time, I was gonna see them with a girlfriend who loved Garbage, but she and I had been in a pretty toxic pattern for like three years, so I dumped her via voicemail right before her first time seeing her favorite band ever. Yeah, that was a totally shit move, and it came back on me, as it should have.

Regardless, here we are, 20 years later, and I'm finally seeing them tonight. I've been a big fan for a long time, and I'm looking forward to it, even if it means I'll be exhausted tomorrow. That's gonna be the hardest part, actually.

Anyway, here's hoping the rest of today and tomorrow is smooth sailing. I really need a breather from all the intensity.

-Blaine